312: How We Talked Back Then

John Beaderman

OK, I'll read you a couple things from Carolyn. Hiya, hun. What are you up to? I'm listening to Motley Crue, Shout at the Devil. That's a pretty kick-ass tape. It's Joe's, but it's still a kick-ass tape, and Vince Neil is such a fox. I'd love to go backstage at a Crue concert. I'd be in total heaven, because I know what I'd do, and I'll bet you do too. Like my green marker? I think it's cool. Explain this to me. Something fishy's going on. What? I don't know. But you're acting fishy, so don't lie, and it's nothing I did.

I don't act any different than before we did it. Are you trying to say that I'm acting different, or I'm slightly more insane than unusual? Is that what you mean? I'm acting differently? If that's what you mean, how? I just heard Judas Priest [? talking to ?] Dio. That's pretty kick-ass. Why did Chris ask for me today? And why did you guys hang up on me? That's pretty ignorant, not to mention immature and rude.

I'm listening to Motley Crue, "Bastard" again, so they are so cool. I haven't decided if I like Crue or Maiden better yet, but they're both totally kick-ass. God, is this note [BLEEP] dumb. It's 7:30 and I want it to be 8:30 because then I can listen to RPM, Real Precious Metal 103.1. 831-1031. Kick ass! "Helter skelter, you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer, helter skelter."

[APPLAUSE]

Neal Pollack

Hi. I wrote-- can I hold this?

Neal Pollack

I wrote these letters soon after I graduated from college. And I like to turn back to them every now and then to remind myself what an idiot I was. I believed at the time that I could get any job I wanted anywhere at any point. And these letters, I think, are indicative.

Here's one I wrote to Tina Brown, who was then the editor of Vanity Fair magazine. Dear Ms. Brown, I'll cut to the quick. [LAUGHTER] I would like to work for The New Yorker, and I imagine, with the big changeover, you may need lots of editorial help. So I'm throwing my hat into the ring and asking you to consider hiring me as an editorial assistant for your new project.

I've been precociously reading The New Yorker for some time now. Most of the writers I respect most, living and dead, have written for your magazine at some time. I'm willing to cut my journalistic and literary teeth elsewhere if I can't get a job at The New Yorker, but I am determined not to end up anywhere else. The resume I've enclosed doesn't indicate this, but I've been working as a freelance writer since graduating two months ago. [LAUGHTER]

I've been doing pretty well, but I'm still waiting for the big score. Maybe you could help. I strongly encourage you to take a chance on me, but if I don't suit your needs at this time, thank you for reviewing my application. I look forward to hearing from you. [APPLAUSE]

About six months later, I hadn't yet heard from Tina Brown. So I turned my gaze elsewhere. Here's one I wrote to Strobe Talbott, who at the time was an editor-at-large at Time Magazine, and now, as you may or may not know, is a Deputy to the Secretary of State in the Clinton administration. So here's what I wrote to Strobe.

Dear Mr. Talbott, I'm a damn good editor. I'm young and gutsy as a marine in combat. My terse, tough prose style would make Raymond Chandler weep. Somewhere, somehow, the grapevine told me that you're starting a magazine called Globe Review. Said vine also let me know that the staff will be small, which means you're not hiring too many people. [LAUGHTER]

Being low man on the totem pole is fine with me. Your magazine sounds original, smart, and progressive, sophisticated but not shallow. Of course, I'm just guessing. Can you go global without me? I think so. Should you? I think not. Or at least hope not. I'll do good work as an assistant editor, copy editor, or researcher.

I'll be in New York City from November 11 through 17. If you'd like to interview me, you can contact me at the Chicago address on my resume until then. Thank you for reviewing my application, and I look forward to seeing the magazine, whether I'm part of it or not. [APPLAUSE]

Jenny Magnus

All right, this is a letter that I received. It's addressed to me. So my name is Jenny Magnus. And on the envelope it says, "Lessons for Advanced Beginners." And then on the back, it says, "burn after reading."

Dear Ms. Magnus, I almost fell off my chair when, during one of your pieces, you implied that you are, quote, "a really good artist." After sitting there listening to you chant "mama, mama, mama, mama, mama," which you got from Janov's book Primal Scream-- I shop through paperbacks at thrift stores, too-- then hearing you chant "give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me," I sat there wondering just how conventional some pretentious chick dressed in black can be.

I, by the way, use "chick" lightly, since you are not very feminine. In fact, you are nothing but a contrived, self-deceiving, selfish, not overly bright, mediocre joke. You might be able to fool the poseurs who hang around Urbis Orbis flattering your brother pretending to know, but not me, babe. Not me, babe. I use "babe" lightly. You are not a babe. You have-- [LAUGHTER] You have no sensuality, no charm, no looks, et cetera.

Without affectation, without deliberately taking steps to appear avant, where would you be? Nothing comes naturally to you, does it? You really have to steal and grub and labor. In fact, you are perusing this letter for material right now, I bet. [LAUGHTER]

I realized how repressed and affected you are during "Loser's Alias." And thank God for the fire which started, or you'd probably still be on the floor reciting your brother's tripe. You are just too, too uptight, baby. You think you can act uninhibited, but why do you want to? Is it that important to you that you seem to yourself and others as if you are special?

You are quite interesting, the only person with absolutely no substance I've ever met. How did you get so [BLEEP]? Give up art. You're no good at it, anyway. And save your [BLEEP] ass. Sincerely, Mason 32 Degrees. PS, well, I've done my good deed for tonight. [APPLAUSE]

Adam Davidson

OK. This is age 16. Dear Adam, I can lose my guard best when I write. No wonder I scared off S with my letter. Speaking of which, I didn't hear from him. You see, how can I ever think of hurting you like that? Let's say something starts between us. What about S? I may not like him, but maybe I do.

Also, what if I'm just on the rebound from Dave? Not that I didn't like you before-- maybe I'm just free to say it now-- but I might be exaggerating it because I'm feeling a loss. Maybe we're confusing a really good friendship for love, et cetera. You know the deal.

Also, let's say we do have sex. It'll be a bigger deal for you. Not that I won't take it seriously. I have seriously thought about it. But it's a big responsibility to put on me, your first time, et cetera. Now who's babbling? Anyway, [LAUGHTER] I think you're a wonderful person and friend, and the last thing I want to do is screw that up.

Maybe we should just see, trial-run, if making out agrees with us. You never know, we might decide it doesn't feel right and keep things status quo. But we might end up getting it on every day. Excuse the vulgar language. As that guy in English class would say, "there is no pretty way to look at sex."

Anyway, I love you, but I'm not sure what kind of love. Love, K. Geez, I don't even know what attracts me to you. You're so [BLEEP] perfect I guess.

Then supplemental letter-- supplementary letter. Will things be the same once the sexual tension is gone? I think that's half the fun. It's what has kept Moonlighting on the air. Will we still be able to joke about getting married, et cetera, without feeling uncomfortable? Confusion, is there an S in confusion? I'm even mixed up about that.

We went out after that for a year. [APPLAUSE]

Andrew Fenchel

OK, I found this letter in the street in my neighborhood. I think it won't really need any other introduction, except that where the letter-writer refers to Vienna, I think it's safe to assume that that's not Austria. OK.

Time, 10:00 PM. June 10, '96. Dear Carla, what's up, babe? How are you doing? Fine, I hope. Well, I'm in Vienna. But I didn't forget to write.

Baby, I miss you. I can't wait to see you. I've been thinking about you all the time, and I can't stop. I got into a fight in here with a king, and for that I got two weeks in the hole. Baby, I hope you're not talking to someone else. I've been waiting for your letters, but I haven't received any yet. What's up with that?

Carla, I feel that you don't love me anymore. Baby, I love you more than what you could ever know. I miss making love to you, kissing you. Please send me some pictures of you. When I get out of here, I'm going to get a job. I'll even quit gang-banging if you show me you love me.

Carla, what do you mean when you say you went from 100% to 50%? I don't understand. I haven't been cheating on you, and I'll be with you all the time when I get out. Carla, I care about you a lot. You just don't know.

Why is your mom going to kick you out? What have you done? Please don't lie to me. Are you [BLEEP] around with someone else, staying out late? What is it? I've got the feeling you are seeing someone else, but I guess I can't trip, so long as when I get out, you come back to me.

What do you mean that you love me and good luck in life? [LAUGHTER] I get the first part but not the second. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] Are you breaking up with me? Are you going away from me? Whatever you do, wherever you go, you'll always be in my heart, Carla. Believe that.

I know you think I don't love you anymore, but you're wrong, babe. I said it before and I'll say it again, I love you Carla. [APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC - "I GOT A LETTER FROM MY BABY" BY ELMORE JAMES]

Mary

And I came across this site that I thought was amazing. It was the most cutting-edge, thought-provoking site I had ever seen. And so I was examining it, checking it out, and I realized that this guy was my age, and he worked at Microsoft. And that just blew me away. Because I'm a student, I can barely afford coffee in the morning. And here, this guy worked at Microsoft.

I ended up emailing him just to tell him how much I liked his site and how amazing I thought it was. And he wrote back. And that went on for about four or five days. We just kept writing back and forth. Really personal stuff, too, not just computer geek stuff.

Mary

I was nervous before we met, because I was worried that he wouldn't find me as interesting in real life. So we met for coffee. We ended up spending the next 12 hours together.

There wasn't really a turning point until a few days later. We had continued to see each other. And one night, we ended up going out to his office at Microsoft. It was about midnight and nobody was there. And we were hanging out, and one thing led to another. And all of a sudden, we were making out.

Mary

It was crazy.

Mary

Oh yeah, yeah. It wasn't a bad thing. But it was awkward because it was my first time. I had never really done that with anybody before.

Mary

Right, well, no. It was my first time kissing anybody.

Mary

Yeah.

Mary

No. No. I was a real big loner in high school. I didn't get out much.

Mary

Yeah. And so it made it all the more surreal, I think. It was just weird for me to think that, here's this guy I met a little over a week ago by chance on the internet. And here we are at his office doing this.

And then after that, I barely heard from him. He told me that he didn't want a relationship right now, that he wanted to wait. He kept using the term, he wanted to make his first million before he had a relationship with somebody.

Mary

Yes. After the fact, after the night at his office down there at Microsoft, I noticed, boy, he really was feeding me some lines there.

Mary

Yeah.

Mary

He actually was going to set me up with a copy of Office 97. He never did.

Mary

Actually, the first night we met.

Mary

No. I thought it was cool, because I had heard some things about Office 97. Wow, I'd like to have that.

Mary

Got your free software.

Joe Fosco

This one I'm going to read now is a website of this guy who's building an aluminum ball, a ball of aluminum foil. And he went into quite a bit of detail about this ball.

He says, "I don't remember exactly how the ball began, but it is a sphere, composed entirely of aluminum foil of various varieties. It is mostly candy wrappers with a few bits of foil and other food items mixed in. So far the best finish coat is York Peppermint Patty wrappers. Other foil is fine, but a coat of Peppermint Patty wrappers is necessary to keep it on.

Gum wrappers also tend to have that quality, but they are far too difficult to peel, considering the minimal bulk they have. Gum wrappers do make a good finish coat on top of Peppermint Patty wrappers for show. Some items, such as Hershey's Miniatures, which look like they might be good candidates for foil, aren't. The ball is more impressive in person than this page can hope to depict."

Joe Fosco

Oh, there is. I don't know if you can see it. [LAUGHTER] And then he has this diary of its growth. And it starts back in January. And he says, "we've gotten an electric postage scale in the office. It reads one more digit of precision, so we now have a weight of 3.9 ounces. I have done the math to compute the density of the ball. Curiously, it is much lower than that of solid aluminum.

I have a hard time believing that the ball is less than half aluminum by mass, so I invite you to let me know if there are any errors in my computations. I expected that the density would be less than that of solid aluminum because of a small amount of air between layers of the foil, the adhesive coatings, inks, and small quantities of chocolate grease and other leftovers from the food items that the wrappers were originally used to package. I wouldn't have been too surprised by a 5% or even 10% difference, but I find the actual results obtained a little difficult to believe."

The other interesting thing is that on this, he has links to other sites that are making aluminum foil balls. [LAUGHTER] And someone else who is making a rubber band ball. [APPLAUSE]

Noel

My name is Noel, and I'm diastematic. Anybody here know what that means? It means that I have a gap between my front two teeth. For those of you unfamiliar with this whole website gap-tooth thing, I built a website for gap-tooth people. So yeah, idiotic. You want it? You've got it.

But I'm in good company. 10% of America, including David Letterman, Lauren Hutton, Noam Chomsky, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, Itzhak Perlman, Chaucer's Wife of Bath, Vince Lombardi, blah, blah, blah, all with the tooth cleavage. I must admit, for better or for worse, yes, I'm the one who built this website. But the emphasis is humor. In early November last year--

Noel

Absolutely. This is very, this will hit on a lot of those themes. In early November last year, I was watching a Bears-Packers game. And during the pregame ceremonies, the USPS, the post office, unveiled art for a new stamp, due this summer, featuring the late, great Vince Lombardi, who was one of the greatest gappers ever to live. He was on a stamp, riding high atop the team in the throes of victory, smiling huge. But something was missing, Coach Lombardi's trademark gap-toothed grin. He had near-perfect pearly whites and the gap was gone.

The next day, as a joke, I added a page to the gap-tooth website, protesting the post office's depiction of Lombardi as a cosmetically-altered hero. Who would Don King be if he were bald? Or Gorbachev without the Kool-Aid stain? Or Jimmy Durante without that nose?

So knowing that this was the web, the oddball media that gets no real merit for its content, I expected little to no attention. But then came Yahoo, which featured it as a weekly pick. The Washington Post had me on the phone and ran a half-page story with my before and after pics. Chicago's Channel 7 came to my apartment and ran a story on its 6:00 News, just before the Super Bowl.

Getting out of hand? Yeah, timeout! If you're thinking this pathetic web-based protest should never have received any attention, I'm in agreement with you. What was ironic about this story is that they painted me as a freak-- imagine that-- a super fan ready to strap myself with bombs and blow up my teeth and Washington, DC if they didn't change the art.

And I thought, I'm just running a website for gap-toothed people. You can't take me that seriously. So I called up Bob, the artist of the postage stamp, and we talked about the stamp. We discussed angles and art representation. He was a really nice guy. I was thinking about dropping the protest already when he told me his three-year-old daughter was gap-toothed.

And that was it. Protest over. But what still gets me today is that the web has the power to make insignificant things seem real, that email can really serve as a powerful form of protest, which it did in this case, and that people, including myself, really do have too much time on their hands. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]

Jenni Ringley

There's the regular part of my page, I guess you would say, with information about me, the music I like, things like that, like everybody has on their page. The one item that has become extremely popular, though, is the JenniCam. And it's just a camera that sits in my room and takes a picture every three minutes and uploads it. So every three minutes, you can find out what fascinating thing I'm doing in my room.

Jenni Ringley

People, I'm not sure. But as far as number of hits go, we get over 500,000 hits a day.

Jenni Ringley

Nothing, really. I write email. I sleep. I have friends over. You can watch my hedgehog when I'm not in the room. Things like that. Pretty much, just regular college life as far as I know.

Jenni Ringley

I talk on the phone a lot.

Jenni Ringley

I would have to agree. I would absolutely agree. I don't do anything that's that interesting. I don't have company very often. I don't do anything more interesting really than talk on the phone, watch TV, and sleep.

Jenni Ringley

Well, whenever I'm nude in my room, I'm nude on the JenniCam.

Jenni Ringley

Well, maybe I'm not an average person. But I figure when I'm alone, who really cares? I sleep naked, and I get changed. And when I get out of the shower, I'm all wet. There's no hurry to put on clothes.

Jenni Ringley

Actually, with the camera there, I don't think about it much. So whenever I'm normally naked in my room, that's when I would be on the camera. It really doesn't affect me in much of a big way, I would say.

Jenni Ringley

I think the camera would be a lot less interesting if I paid that much attention to it. It would be more of a staged show, and you can go see a staged show anywhere. I think the whole appeal of the camera is that it is whatever is normally going on in my room. And with it having been up for a year and a half now, I'm pretty accustomed to it being there. It really doesn't affect me much, I would say.

Jenni Ringley

Actually, it goes sort of the opposite way. Whenever I go home for breaks, for spring break or something like that, I'm always sad to be away from the camera. It's really a different feeling, whenever I'm in the room and the camera is broken, or for some reason, my room feels totally different. It's like I'm completely alone. So I usually prefer the camera be there, and I'm sad when it's off as opposed to wishing it weren't there.

Jenni Ringley

Right. Even though there's nobody actually there with me, even though I'm still alone, even if there's nobody watching the camera from the other end, it's just comforting to know that there is somebody metaphorically out there.

Jenni Ringley

A lot of the people, it's totally hoping to find me getting out of the shower, getting dressed for bed, things like that. It's hoping to find the nudity. But I get lots of email from people who say that it's just nice when they're alone in their office to know that there's somebody else out there, somebody else that is doing nothing more interesting than what they're doing at the same time. It's like having a little virtual friend.

Jenni Ringley

Sure.

Jenni Ringley

At that point, it goes on the other person's comfortability. I have no problem doing that. And that's the whole point of the camera is that it's whatever I'm doing. When I went into this, I understood that, in order to make it really work, it would have to be no matter what I was doing. But I can't really enforce that on people who are visiting me. So if the other person is uncomfortable, then the camera is turned off, or it points to a different part of the room.

Jenni Ringley

Yes. Yes.

Jenni Ringley

Yes, in fact. And the funny thing is that it never actually was broadcast because the number of people suddenly reloading on the server ended up crashing the computer that posted the JenniCam at the time.

Jenni Ringley

So even though we were there and the camera was on, the server was crashed by the number of people wanting to see.

Jenni Ringley

Oh, I don't know. Mostly men, it's almost exclusively men. I get about 700 emails a day. And of that number, maybe 10 are from women.

Jenni Ringley

Right.

Jenni Ringley

Well, a lot of those are entries to a contest on my web page called "Name that Curve" where once a week I put up a new picture of some close-up shot of a part of my body and people guess what it is. So I would say 300 or so of that number are "Name that Curve" entries. The rest of them are people saying either I saw your web page, I like your page, or can I call you, or can you send me private, special pictures? It really, really, ranges.

Jenni Ringley

I do get a fair number, at this point, of requests for autographed pictures and people wanting to buy my hair and my clothing, things like that.

Jenni Ringley

It's pretty scary. Well, one time, I was caught on camera actually trimming my bangs, because if you only have to do that, it's cheaper. And all of a sudden, I got 40 emails from people saying, are you going to do anything with that hair? Can I buy it from you?

Jenni Ringley

Well, it's kind of scary. I mean, I do meet people from time to time. Somebody will say, I'm passing through the area, do you think I could meet you?

Jenni Ringley

I actually have a pretty good knack for getting a good feeling about people right off the bat. So sometimes I say no, sometimes I say yes. I've had dinner with probably a dozen people from the JenniCam.

Jenni Ringley

I had one person who had a hard time taking no for an answer, even after I made it abundantly clear I wasn't interested.

Jenni Ringley

It is, kind of. I've had a fair number of improper passes at the end of the evening. But it stays at a pass.

Jenni Ringley

I don't think so. I don't think I would, because if you have the TV, you have other things you can watch. I think it would still be popular, but I think at that point, it would be a lot less interesting. Because people can do this from their offices, at work, if they have internet usage that's not monitored. From work, you can just put it on and leave it on in the background while you're doing whatever else on your computer.

Eileen Kiefer

OK, well, when we first got our email going on our computer, I sent a message to our son in Milwaukee whose address was K-I-E-F-F.

Eileen Kiefer

Yeah. It was my first time to use it, and I left one of the F's off.

Eileen Kiefer

So I got back a letter from someone whose address was K-I-E-F. And he said, I enjoyed this letter, but I don't think you meant it for me. And so then I wrote back and said, thanks and explained how I'd made the mistake. And he wrote back. And we've been writing now for, it'll be two years this month.

Eileen Kiefer

It seems like we had nothing in common going in. The age difference, and they had no children, and they're Mormons and we're Catholics. So it seemed like there wasn't a whole lot that we had to talk about. But we never have any trouble.

At first, we were writing every day. We were both so excited about this. And now, we're usually in touch at least once a week. And we've visited, and he's in Oregon. We're in Ohio. We visited in Portland last year and spent a couple days with him and had a wonderful time.

And they're like 30 years younger than we are. So we've become mom and dad, and we've adopted them. We call them our legally adopted children. And in December, when I had a serious operation, he was on the phone every night, just like the rest of our kids. So he's really become one of our kids.

Eileen Kiefer

Oh, I don't remember. I just remember indicating that I was 70. So there was-- I didn't want anybody to think that we were going to have this big romance or anything.

Eileen Kiefer

Because you read these stories about people doing weird things with people on the internet. We never had that problem.

We have seven children. And all of them have email except one. And the ones out of town, we hear from a couple times a week. One of our daughters, we hear from almost daily.

Eileen Kiefer

Oh, no. No. We would talk on the phone maybe once a month. And it was always, how are you? And you never really were part of their lives that way. And two of our children live in Boston. And we just weren't-- well, we were always close. We weren't communicating very often.

Eileen Kiefer

Oh, it's wonderful. I keep trying to talk everybody I know into it, if their children have access to a computer. It's changed our life a lot. It's just changed our lives. I wouldn't think of not checking the computer first thing in the morning to see who's writing.

Earl Jackson

I was on AOL and other services in San Francisco a lot. And there are these chat rooms where gay men can meet and talk. And in San Francisco, it's fairly wild. There's a 24-hour bulletin board that I was observing for this study I was doing, where you could almost be guaranteed that if you lived in San Francisco and you had a modem, you could have sex any time of the day or night. This was a very goal-directed bulletin board.

Earl Jackson

Right. And you would know exactly what they wanted to do, and you would probably have nude pictures of them before that. What I also thought was really interesting-- and this was more true of AOL-- that there was a new metaphysics of sexuality. Because people would talk about, cyber-sex or real sex? And it occurred to me after I listened to enough, by real sex they meant phone sex.

Earl Jackson

Yeah, so it became, instead of a two-tier system, it's a three-tier system. And you have real sex, ultra-real sex, and cyber-sex.

Earl Jackson

That would mean what I call a slow-time interface, which means actual physical contact.

Earl Jackson

Um, yes.

Earl Jackson

I know people that actually leave physical dates to go home and have sex over the net with the quick cam.

Earl Jackson

It's true. There's an entire culture that's entirely video transmission sexuality now.

Earl Jackson

Yeah, me, in fact.

Earl Jackson

Yeah, they left me. But he said that that is what he does lately. And I understood that, because a lot of men are afraid of sexual contact because of AIDS. So the perfect thing to eroticize is distance.

Earl Jackson

Pretty soon. He said that he really needed to do the CU-SeeMe stuff.

Earl Jackson

We would have a fantasy about what if he came to my classroom and then I took him back into my office. But it was really sort of a game. But these narratives became so intense that we would set times of the day, or he would just check in. And he said, do you have time for a story now? And he would start it, and then I would continue it. And we have all of these stories.

But as we kept doing this, then a little part of his life would come in. And then there would be a story that would take us somewhere else. And then I'd know a little bit more. And soon the sex part was really an excuse to tell the other stories.

And sometimes he would be telling this story about his childhood in Missouri. And then it would remind him of a sexual fantasy. And then he'd put me in it. And you couldn't plan to do these things. We became sort of like jazz pianists or something. We'd have these riffs together.

Then one day, he was asking me if I had time to talk to him. And I was just leaving, but I could tell that even the way he was typing was different.

Earl Jackson

Yes, yes.

Earl Jackson

People have different habits in their speed, or the way he would respond, or if he didn't put a smiley face after a certain number of words. I just knew there was something really wrong with the way he asked me if I had time.

And he said, bad news, son. And I think I knew it instantly, what that was. He had tested positive. And he didn't know how to break it to me. And our messages to each other then became a lot more about that and about what happened to him as a child and other things that were fairly tragic and amazing that he was telling anybody, because he was really one of those strong, silent types.

Then-- this is when I should have gotten more nervous-- he started saying that he didn't want any of his porn tapes anymore because he associated the porn with him being positive. So he wanted to mail them to me, and he mailed me a box of them. I didn't really want them, but he wanted to do this for me. So there was suddenly a box of porn tapes in my house. And then the following week, there was one too.

And then just before I got back to San Francisco, I got a message from him, hoping that I was well and hoping I got the tapes. And he said that I'd get another message very soon. Now, he was writing to me almost entirely in capital letters, which scared me. And I didn't know why. But here's the last one. "I have it all boxed up now. I will give it my friend. He will mail it for me like he did before. And it will arrive either Thursday or Friday, via two-day express. I have a letter coming to you to help explain a few things. Thank you for being a friend when I really needed it. Kenneth."

And then three days, nothing. And then there's just one line. "A package should arrive today. 1/19/95. Email me. Cruiser3. Bye. Love, Ken."

And then on the 25th, there was one that looked like it was from Ken. It was his screen name. But then, when I opened it up, it said, "this is a hard note for me to write. Ken left a note to ask me to let you know Ken took his own life on Friday, January 20. He was cremated yesterday, and his ashes will be dropped into the ocean off of San Francisco today. Ken's mental attitude over the last four to six weeks is very hard to describe. He was a basket case to say the least. I will keep his account open for the next day if you have any questions or response, and I will try to answer them for you. Ken's friend, Dave."

Earl Jackson

Yeah. It was the only time I ever saw his handwriting. And that said similar things. He said, thank you for being a friend when I needed it. And I would always love you.

Earl Jackson

It was. And what was really odd was that, when he first sent the first box of tapes, he told me which tape had a scene where the two people are the ones that he imagined us to be. Now, that doesn't mean that he looked like either one of them, but he knew the fantasies that would resonate with us. So even at that point, our fantasies were constantly mediated by some other technology, which is probably hard for you to imagine.

But none of this was cold. There was something so tender about this that I was very moved by this experience.

Earl Jackson

Yes, I did. Yes.

Earl Jackson

Yeah. Although, it's real. You know, when people say, oh, the computers are making us all isolated and it's such a cold world, I've had emotional experiences and long-term friendships that would have never possible otherwise.

Earl Jackson

He would be such a creep that-- I thought of that, actually. Because it seemed almost like a melodrama from a long time ago. It was really tawdry. And if I wrote a short story, I wouldn't end it this way because it was too hokey.

Earl Jackson

Yes. He really felt gone. He really felt gone. When I saw somebody else using his screen name, I mean, to get a stranger with his screen name, that was really, really chilling.

Mary

He actually was going to set me up with a copy of Office 97. He never did.